mothergoodbypaige

For an American Studies class entitled Capitol Crimes, which discusses “America’s love affair with money”, we were assigned to read the novel The Privileges by Jonathan Dee. Definitely a worthwhile read, I would recommend this book to pick up light reading that is relevant to contemporary society. It is not a far fetched to see some of our own experiences as privileged as students at Notre Dame. In fact, the line where it says that “We were adults acting like children acting like adults” could be the motto for me and many of my peers. At the ages 18-23, we are adults. We act like children when we go out to drink the night before an exam, wearing costumes at bars and singing with out friends. We are children acting like adults, because the next day we will show up to the career center with a electrolyte packed gatorade in hand along with our resume. We are not willing to give up our status as upwardly mobile, money making students looking to be successful, yet we are also unwilling to forgo childish antics. So how does this culture of ours relate to motherhood and parenthood? In class, it is a unanimous decision that none of us would want to have a child right now. Most of the mother’s in our novels were not singled out for being particularly young mothers, so I assumed that they were all of an appropriate age to have a child for their time. This idea of the appropriate age is in flux, and on the rise. Career oriented students at Notre Dame do not think of children as an option now, and some of us not ever.

So, the consensus in class is that a child for us as adult/adolescents, children/women and men is definitely a no-go. But what if we did have a child now? What if one of our children was some sort of creature like in The Fifth Child? or a hermaphrodite like Wayne in Annabel? What if we married someone who pressured us to have an abortion and make us live with the guilt like in Hannah’s Diary or we felt so detached that we fled our family to The South? These are fictional novels and depict trying circumstances, yet they encourage us to realize the uncertainty in having a child. This uncertainty is daunting, and a main reason why it seems healthier to have  a child when you are mentally, physically and financially prepared. Yet most of these novels end with some hopeful note about parenthood. The relationships heal somehow, against all odds, the mother finds a way to get through each day with whatever it is that she is confronting. The circumstances might not be optimal, but the course shows realistic ways of survival when parents are challenged by a surprise, an inevitable challenge when having children. To return to Dee’s novel, The Privileges, he describes his version of the ability for parents to adapt to whatever challenge their child presents them with. And his solution is simply love, something that has been echoed throughout our novels. Dee’s character disciplines his adult/adolescent daughter after she gets in a car accident while on drugs. Perhaps more lenient than others parents would be, Dee writes: “‘You are loved,” Adam said. ‘Okay? And if you know you’re loved that you might make a mistake once in a while but you are never in the wrong. I know this isn’t a great time for you, but I have total faith that things will get better, because that’s what things do. They get better.” (Dee, 240) With this in mind, we can re-evaluate the mothers in our novels with a better and more optimistic understanding of what it means to love your child.

In my last post, “Pregnancy in Pop Culture”, I remarked on the controversy around the MTV show “Teen Mom” and how it is rumored to perhaps encourage teen pregnancy. The rumor is that Jenelle Evans, one of the girls featured on the show, inspired three of her friends to become pregnant, dubbed “copycat moms” because of the fame and celebrity (D List at best) surrounding her teen pregnancy. Unfortunately, I would argue that although who an adolescent is friends with definitely contributes to the kinds of behaviors they partake in, the root of the problem is the lack of sexual education in schools, especially in under resourced areas. The failure of effective Sexual Education programs in preventing teen pregnancy was discussed in length on Anne’s blog, which is definitely worth a read, Anne points out that no matter the scare tactics used by conservative programs or the ineffective ones used by more liberal programs, a large amount of teenagers are inevitably going to have sex. This is a fact that should simple enough to be undeniable. If it’s not an primal instinct  to have intercourse, then its a cultural pressure by hyper sexual images. The comfort levels for each person are different and no doubt personal standards, religious beliefs and plenty of other factors complicate the generalization that all teenagers have sex, because of course they don’t. However, why not just assume they do? For the sake of all those unplanned pregnancies out there, sexual education should be comprehensive, focusing on how to access birth control, how to use birth control correctly, resources that are available for help, etc. Generally more realistic lessons about sexuality are needed, especially in America. This country is one of the most religious modern nations, with often puritanical leanings when it comes to formal, official statements on sexuality. YET the American popular culture is undoubtedly hypersexualized. From the a young age, girls know they are supposed to look sexy, and boys know they are supposed to want sex as young as age 12. As we saw from the Rebecca Walker piece, losing virginity at 13 is not out of the question. The conflicting messages from moral codes that say sex is a taboo subject that should be dealt with in a cursory way in schools and families, deemed improper and awkward to talk about, in combination with the messages from peer groups and the media that sex is encouraged at a young age leads to a dangerous youth culture surrounding sex. In my opinion, the solution is an open conversation about sex so that the media, which won’t be avoided, can be confronted in a healthier way. It shouldn’t be taboo to talk to your mom about sex, even if you are a staunch Catholic or your dad is a Reverend. Sex is out there for adolescents to see and if they don’t get to talk to informed adults who they feel comfortable with, they will partake in risky behavior and have to deal with their parents when confronting the consequences.

We all know that open conversation about sexuality leads to a better understanding of self and healthier relationships with others and the culture around us. That seems obvious enough, but what I would like to tell my daughter is about the emotional repercussions that stem from biological drives. I say daughter because I think women have the pressure to have casual sex and then remain “cool” about it, “chill” enough to not be “needy” and expect the guy to care about how the girl feels afterwards. The girl should be able to have a one night stand and not expect even a phone call. If she complains about it, she is deemed clingy. If she confronts the guy about it, she is deemed a complete psycho who needs attention. She shouldn’t have done it in the first place if she was going to except him to wife her up. But all of her friends think casual sex is normal, all of the shows she watch say it is normal, everything is telling her to do it, but they never openly deal with the emotional consequences. Going into casual sex blindly and without preparation does not only open up the possibility of unplanned pregnancy and STD’s, but also serious emotional conflict.

One of these lessons I would like to impart to my daughter when she reaches that age, and I’ll tell any friend who will listen, is the emotional repercussions of having sex before the right time. I honestly think this scientific knowledge that I recently learned from discussing hormones that are released in women’s bodies could be the #1 most effective way to warn adolescent females about the consequences of sex. Sexual Education programs should teach about the hormone oxytocin. What I learned is that women are at a biological (dis)advantage when it comes to emotional ties during intercourse. Oxytocin is a hormone released by both partners during sex that promotes bonding, but it is released in higher levels in women. It is also released in women during pregnancy and breast feeding to stimulate the same bonding processes. Oxytocin release can be classically conditioned when it is released in women, so much so that when she even catches a glimpse of a previous sexual partner, it is released in her body. In the popular shows we see on TV, it is rarely, (if ever) the male who is torn up about an unplanned, irresponsible sexcapade. Girls need to know that they are programmed to be more attached to men, causing heartbreak and discomfort, and maybe worst of all the pressure to act like they don’t care, when everything is biologically telling them that they do. This inner conflict between hormonal pushes and societal pulls can be a painful process. If more females knew that they were actually programmed to feel differently post sex, they would understand the implications of being a female who is sexually active and how their body is telling them one message, while they are being pressured to act another way.

Biologically, women’s bodies are more vulnerable than men’s when it comes to the repercussions, physically and emotionally, from unprotected sex. If the woman becomes pregnant unexpectedly, it is her situation and should be her choice to deal with no matter how supportive or close the partner is to her. If a woman is raped, it is because she is predisposed to be weaker than a man who may be attacking her. If a woman has sex with a man who decides not to care about her feelings, she is biologically driven to be emotionally consumed by feelings of regret. Women need to be educated about their vulnerability that comes from being a woman. I am a feminist and I believe in the power of a strong, intelligent woman who makes choices that are right and appropriate for her. I also acknowledge that not all women will feel regret after casual sex and may find empowerment in using her body this way, and that is completely legitimate. But I guess I would want to tell my daughter to be honest with her feelings and think of how it would feel before she engages in sex, tell her about using protection, and create a comfortable non judgmental atmosphere to talk about sexuality within her home.

Of course the next dilemma would be to decide when the right time this kind of conversation should be encouraged in the household. But I will have to save that for a later time in life, especially because as we said in class, you need to relinquish a little control and just be open to the unexpected when it comes to mothering.

In response to Anne’s post on March 29th, entitled “Babies having babies…”, (Definitely Worth a Read) I would like to sympathize with her about the ongoing debate about sex education and teen pregnancy. Shows such as “Sixteen and Pregnant” and “Teen Mom” are incredibly popular standouts on MTV’s rotation, and admittedly a guilty pleasure for me and my friends. There has been mixed reactions to these shows for obvious reasons: do the often “trashy” girls that are picked to be featured on the show reveal the pain and difficulty that characterize and unplanned teen pregnancy? For example, after Jenelle Evans was featured on the show, three of her teenage friends also have become pregnant. (Pregnancy Pressure: Is MTV\’s \’Teen Mom\’ Encouraging Pregnancy for Fame?)

The girls often have ridiculous fights with their on again off again boyfriends who are often unemployed and have even been featured by engagement rings at Wal-Mart and “homemade dinner” at Cracker Barrel. This isn’t the kind of fairy tale romance that any viewer would want, so is the show doing us a favor by showing us the “reality” of just how hard it is to be an unprepared teenager who is trying to graduate from high school and dealing with boy drama, family drama, money drama, and diapers to top it all off? MTV claims that the show provides a lesson to viewers by contrasting the difficult lives of the young mothers with their peers who maintain relatively conventional, carefree high school experiences. “MTV presents their teen mom reality shows as an object lesson for teens in avoiding unwanted pregnancy. Each season, the show follows four teen mothers showing the gritty hardship, both emotional and financial, of teen motherhood.”

On the other hand–this stuff is fascinating, and very easily removed from a viewer’s reality! It is a train wreck, a car crash you just can’t stop watching. It’s pretty easy for an average viewer to place themselves into the unfortunate situation and think, “well if that was me, this is what I would do…” The “I would dump him” “I would still graduate” “My parents would be more supportive” type thinking may make light of a situation that is difficult no matter how fortunate one’s circumstances are. By showing extreme scenarios of Wal-Mart and Cracker Barrel, screaming matches between couples, and boys who kick their pregnant girlfriend out of a car on the side of the road, MTV is entertaining us, that is obvious. But they also make the cases so outlandish that the difficulty of unplanned pregnancy is removed as an immediate, legitimate threat to the average viewer. It is easy to say “that wouldn’t happen to me” when I am in a stable relationship, at a top 25 university, and blessed to have a supportive, cohesive family. But the incredible challenge of an unplanned pregnancy would be just as real and just as profound if it happened to any young woman (or couple, for that matter) The reality is a shared one–the tension over the “right thing to do”, the strain that an unplanned pregnancy has on a young and immature relationship, the pressure from parents, the lack of financial independence, the confusion, pain, and guilt—these are human emotions. Next time I revel in my fortunate state, far far removed from the West Virginia hills that those Teen Moms are putzing around in, I will remember to be keenly empathetic to the emotions that they are going through and the real risk that every single person encounters with unplanned pregnancy, no matter what resources they have at hand. It is important not to buy into the spectacle. Even though you aren’t dating Gary, doesn’t mean you wouldn’t feel like Amber if it happened to you.